we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
