Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
