got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
