I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
