Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
