ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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