Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
