if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
