Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
