You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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