Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
