You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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