Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
