If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
