Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
