How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
