I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
