I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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