Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
