he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
