I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
