Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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