What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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