if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
