I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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