I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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