Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
