I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
