So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
