a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
