just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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