So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So much rum. So many feels.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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