She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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