Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
