Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
