I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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