Nicole vs. Life
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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