you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
