dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Houston, we have a blender
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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