your parents love me but you hate me
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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