Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
