i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize