I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
