this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
