i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize