just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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