I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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