i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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