did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
