my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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