happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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