dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
