Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
