and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
