just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
