i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
