Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
