May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
did you just send me my own nude
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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