Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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