There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
