I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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